A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
