I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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