I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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