then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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