I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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