I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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