Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
