my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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