having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
