i don't like sucking hair
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
