I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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