Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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