Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh god it's open bar.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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