Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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