You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
