How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
