So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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