Someone shit on the floor
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
