So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
