I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
