Have you finally orgasmed yet?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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