Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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