"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
