I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
