the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
