well I can't set my house on fire every night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
