I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize