On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
