Im at strip club and am horny
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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