I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
