Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
