Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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