It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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