Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
