so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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