Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
