Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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