I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
