I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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