well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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