Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize