This is not my ceiling
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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