It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
