and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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