Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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