why didn't you poke me back
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize