Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
