oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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