it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
