Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
