I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
