my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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