I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
