We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
