Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
