apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
