We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
