and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
