You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
