You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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