I want to make a zoo with you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
