The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
