Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
